The Wildness of Toddlers — and Why They Can Trigger Us So Deeply

This piece is part of my wider work supporting parents through pregnancy, early parenthood, and beyond. Much of this writing is made possible by the support of The Baby Village — a community of parents who value honest conversations, reflection, and mutual support as they navigate family life.

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If you’ve ever been pushed to the very edge by your toddler — the noise, the intensity, the unpredictability — you are far, far from alone. I hear this from parents constantly.

Shouting. Snapping. Feeling a surge of anger or overwhelm that frightens you. Walking away. Crying in the kitchen. The internal monologue of: “Why can’t I cope better? Why does this feel so hard? This is not the parent I want to be! Other parents don’t lose it like this. ”

They do. They’re just not talking about it publicly.

This post is about why toddlers are so wildly triggering, why that says nothing about your worth as a parent, and what actually helps. And at the end, I’ll share some tools that make a real difference — including our Community Practice Challenges, which support parents in building these skills with others who are finding their way too.

I have a nearly 3 year old and she's also been through moving house, new sibling, nursery room move in the last 6 months and I'm constantly feeling worried about whether I'm meeting her emotional needs, she is super sensitive, feels her feelings so hard (think she takes after me 🤦‍♀). I don't think I have an answer to how to manage that, but I'm becoming really aware of how much I need to focus on my own emotional regulation, yoga, time with friends, I think some more therapy at some point too. - Baby Village member.

Toddlers Are Wild — By Design

Toddlers, by which I mean 1yr- 4yrs, are developmentally chaotic. Their nervous systems are still under construction. They feel everything at full volume, with no brakes, no foresight, and no sense of proportion.

It’s not personal. It’s not aimed at you. It’s simply the stage their brains are in.

But just because it’s “normal” doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely hard to live with day-to-day.

Being Triggered by Your Toddler Is Extremely Common

There is often so much shame around this. Many parents secretly feel like they’re the only ones losing their temper behind closed doors.

But in truth, nearly every parent I talk to — especially in the toddler years — describes moments of shouting, slamming doors, feeling trapped in rage or despair, or completely disconnecting to survive the moment.

You’re not failing. You’re overloaded.

Modern Parenting Is Uniquely Unsupported

We’re parenting with almost no village. No aunties dropping by regularly. No neighbours holding the baby while we shower. No grandparents downstairs ready to step in.

We are being asked to meet the emotional, physical, and sensory needs of small children alone, while often running on broken sleep and limited time. It’s the least supported parenting setup in human history.

No wonder our patience evaporates. No wonder our window of tolerance is smaller than we want it to be. No wonder toddlerhood can feel like an emotional assault.

We Co-Regulate Better When Other Adults Are Around

Humans regulate through other humans.

When you’re with another adult — a partner, a friend, a group — your nervous system borrows stability from theirs. It’s easier not to shout. Easier not to lose patience. Easier to be better resourced!

When you’re alone, your nervous system is doing everything: you’re holding the toddler’s emotions, your emotions, and the absence of any support.

It’s not that you’re “losing it.” It’s that your nervous system is carrying the work of several adults.

Rupture Is Part of Parenting

Rupture — those moments of disconnection, snapping, shouting, shutting down — is not a sign that you are doing it wrong.

It’s part of being human, especially when stretched thin.

Repair Is the Key Skill — and Repair Includes Accountability

Repair is where the real work happens. It’s how children learn trust, safety, and relationship-building.

And true repair includes accountability — the kind that stays with the adult and doesn’t shift blame onto the child.

Not:“I shouted because you were doing X.”

But:“I’m sorry I got overwhelmed and shouted.” Full stop.

This isn’t about shaming yourself — it’s about modelling honesty, responsibility, and reconnection.

Some of the most powerful parenting happens in these moments.

Repair is also something we can practice with ourselves. When we break our internal contract with ourselves, can we acknowledge, be accountable, forgive and move forward without continuing to punish ourselves.

Growing the Space Between Trigger and Response

Many parents notice they’re more reactive than they’d like to be. That awareness is the beginning of all growth.

Emotional regulation isn’t about never feeling anger, sadness, frustration or irritation. It’s about not getting stuck — about being able to move through these emotional states without being swept into automatic reactivity.

Over time, with practice, you develop a little more space between the feeling and the reaction. A tiny bit more choice. A tiny bit more breath.

You rupture less often. You repair more easily. You feel steadier in the storm.

It’s slow. It’s real. And it’s powerful.

Our Own Histories Come With Us

Parenting often brings up old wounds. We replay reactions we learned in childhood. We feel the echoes of how we were spoken to, soothed, dismissed, or shamed.

Even those with nurturing childhoods can find themselves overwhelmed by the intensity of parenting.

This isn’t a personal failure — it’s an invitation to understand yourself with more clarity and compassion.

It's the opportunity to reparent yourself as you're parenting your children.

I think the most surprising part of motherhood to me has been how much I have to re-parent myself, to grow myself, to work on myself. I guess that shouldn’t have been surprising but, wow it really shows me where I need work! And it’s hard. It often makes me sad about the type of mothering I received as a child. I do find it sometimes helpful to internally go back and give my young self the kind of unconditional love and repair that I needed as a child, and which my daughter needs now. -Baby Village member

Neurodivergent Parents Carry Extra Layers

Neurodivergent (ND) parents often experience the toddler years as especially intense:

• sensory overwhelm

• noise sensitivity

• transitions

• unpredictability

• emotional surges
  

Many ND parents of this generation grew up before ND was widely understood. Their traits were often misunderstood, criticised, or punished. So when their child shows similar behaviours, it can strike a deep, painful nerve.

Sometimes we have to learn to accept ourselves in order to accept our children.

This is tender, ongoing work.

The Cultural Myth of Perfect Parental Calm

There’s a modern belief that good parents stay calm all the time. This is simply not realistic.

Regulation is not the absence of emotion. Regulation is the ability to move in and out of different emotional states without losing choice.

You don’t need to be unshakeable. You just need to be human, aware, accountable and willing to repair.

You’re Probably Doing Better Than You Think

It’s worth pausing here to say this: you are probably doing better than you think. When parenting feels hard, we tend to judge ourselves almost entirely by our worst moments — the times we snapped, shouted, or felt out of control. But those moments are only one small part of a much bigger picture.

Most of the work of parenting is quiet and invisible: the showing up, the trying again, the small repairs, the moments of care that don’t get counted because they’re ordinary. If you’re reading this and recognising yourself, reflecting on your reactions, or wondering how to do things differently, that already tells me something important. Growth often feels uncomfortable and uncertain from the inside. It rarely feels like progress — but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. It's really easy to overlook the million tiny simple acts of loving parenting and connection that happen every day. But they're there. And your child feels them.

Tools That Actually Help

These aren’t quick fixes. They’re supports — ways of building capacity over time, in a life that is already full. You don’t need to do all of them. You don’t need to do them perfectly. Even small, inconsistent steps matter.

1. Emotional Regulation Skills

Regulation isn’t about being calm all the time. It’s about being able to move in and out of different emotional states without getting stuck or losing choice.

Helpful practices might include:

• noticing early signs of overwhelm

• simple breathing or grounding practices

• micro-pauses before responding

• learning what dysregulates you, and what helps bring you back
  

Over time, these skills help create a little more space between feeling and reaction.

2. Journaling (tiny, doable, low-pressure)

You don’t need long reflective sessions.

Sometimes journaling looks like:

• a 2–3 minute “what’s going on inside me?” note

• naming emotions rather than analysing them

• noticing patterns — what drains you, what supports you
  

Writing things down can reduce internal noise and help make sense of emotional overwhelm.

3. Physical Practices

Your nervous system lives in your body, not just your thoughts.

Support can come from:

• walking

• stretching

• shaking out tension

• rocking

• gentle movement
  

These aren’t workouts — they’re ways of helping your body release what it’s holding.

4. Radical Self-Care (the real kind)

This isn’t about bubble baths or scented candles — unless those genuinely help you.

Radical self-care often looks like:

• rest

• nourishment

• lowered expectations

• boundaries

• time alone

• asking for help

• doing less
  

Self-care that restores capacity, rather than performs wellbeing.

5. Lean Into Support

This may be the most important tool of all.

Parenting was never meant to be done alone.

• Find a community or village that offers compassion and solidarity.

• Build friendships where you can be honest — where help is offered and received.

• Seek a therapist if you want support working through old experiences or present pain.

• Go to baby or toddler groups where you walk out feeling better than when you walked in.

• Spend time with people who help your nervous system settle.
  

Support doesn’t remove the challenges of parenting, but it changes how heavy they feel.

6. Fill Your Cup (in ways that actually work for you)

“Filling your cup” isn’t about what you should find restorative — it’s about what genuinely does.

For some parents, that’s:

• time alone

• quiet

• yoga or stretching

• walking

• reading

• being in nature

For others, it’s:

• singing

• laughing

• socialising

• movement

• talking things through

• feeling seen
  

And for many people, it changes over time.

This isn’t indulgence — it’s maintenance. A nervous system that is never replenished will eventually protest.

7. Deal With Your Demons (tenderly, honestly, with support)

This is a harder truth, but an important one.

If you carry pain, trauma, or unexamined patterns from your past, they will show up in your parenting. Not because you’re failing — but because parenting is one of the most powerful mirrors we ever face.

You may not be responsible for what happened to you. But you are responsible for your behaviour and patterns now.

This doesn’t mean blame. It means holding this truth tenderly and lightly, without ignoring it.

Shame spirals keep us stuck. Courage — and support — help us move forward.

Being willing to look at our own reactions, take responsibility for them, and slowly work through what’s underneath is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children (and ourselves).

8. Community Practice Challenges

Inside the Village, three times a year, we explore the core skills of parenting with structured support and gentle consistency:

• Regulation (January)

• Mindfulness (May)

• Compassion (September)
  

These are three foundational capacities parents return to again and again in the hardest moments. Practised alongside other parents who are also muddling through, they become softer, more doable, and far more sustaining.

A Final Thought

Toddlers are wild. Parenting is demanding. You are human. And you are allowed to be learning.

Rupture. Repair. Reflect. Realign. Repeat.

This is the real rhythm of parenting.

And if you want more support…

If you want a space where you can talk honestly about these things — without judgement, without pressure to be perfect — The Baby Village is here.

Over 60+ mothers in Cambridge have discovered that parenting becomes easier, lighter, and far less lonely when you have a community cheering you on, witnessing your struggles, and celebrating your wins.

You’re welcome to come and join us. Alongside community spaces, I also offer one-to-one support for parents who want a more personal place to reflect and grow. This might be a monthly mentoring session, offering steady support as you navigate the realities of parenting, or weekly counselling, where there’s space to gently explore deeper patterns, past experiences, or the parts of parenting that feel especially raw or overwhelming.

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If this piece has been helpful, you may like to know that The Baby Village offers access to further resources, community discussions, and ongoing support for parents who want to keep exploring these themes together. Subscriber support helps sustain this work and makes it possible to continue offering reflective, accessible content for parents.